Thursday, August 18, 2011

In-House Designer Survival Guide

I wrote this a while back when I was revisiting the horrors of some of my past jobs as an in-house designer. I still found it amusing, so I thought I'd share. I was going to expand upon it and turn it into a survival guidebook, but I lack focus on the best of days, plus it makes an interesting blog. Enjoy.


Step 1: Forget Everything
  1. You just spent a crap ton of money on a degree that got you this job. Now you must forget all those rules they taught you. Sure, you can try to hold onto them, fight, state rules from your design books to defend the guidelines of good design, but they don't care. They want a circus tent on the cover of that brochure that is exploding with clowns, jugglers, elephants, students, math books, employees, quasars, the full mathematical value of pi, and peppermint patties. They don't care that this brochure is about lawyer education. Their demands will never make sense in regards to your training.

Step 2: Vent. Vent. Vent. Vent. Vent.
  1. Start a journal documenting your trials
  2. Find coworkers who also share your frustration and won't tattle on you
  3. Find other creative means of venting using your natural born talents
    • create a voodoo doll in the likeness of that which gives you the most grief
    • create a bullseye with your boss' face in the target
    • paste your coworker's face onto a punching bag
    • Work in subliminal messages into your designs
    • think of your own ideas that are a million times better and create them
    • or pick up a hobby or side job that doesn't rely on taking a lot of "critiques"

Step 3: Pretty is a 4-letter word.
  1. They know it and you're about to know it. As soon as you hear this word, put your guard up. It's a clear flag that they're about to bash everything you just worked so hard on and are so proud of. Even the way your coworker says it sounds like a insult, that the word is dripping with slime and stupidity. You can almost hear their inner-monologue in those two syllables, "all you do is make things pretty."
  2. A sample phrase might be very similar to, "It's pretty, but... I really don't link the photos you used and I hate this font and you can't really read this when I threw it on my floor and stood across the room and looked at it--so make that bigger. Also, I really don't like the way..."


Step 4: Detach yourself
  1. You are not your work. This thing you've created is a bastardization of everything you were taught not to do in school. You're bending over backward to meet irrational demands. This is an impossible task.
  2. Also your coworkers will instantly assume that you are some delicate flower that will wilt and/or crumble at the mere mention of a critique of your work. This furthers their belief that "all you do is make things pretty", so detach yourself and make sure they know you are not offended by their changes.

Step 5: They never say what they mean to say
  1. Yes, they might SAY "Make THIS bigger!" But what they really mean is that they want more emphasis on THIS and less emphasis on everything else.
  2. Instead of making things bigger, try changing the white space around a bit. Make everything else a wee bit smaller. The last thing you want is a 100+pt slogan and logo on the cover of your brochure/website/business card.

Step 6: Don't give back drafts (if you can help it)
  1. If forced into a cyclical proofreading process, do not give back a marked-up draft with the new draft.
  2. If you do give back the new draft with the marked-up draft, then the individual will see that you aren't fulfilling all their irrational demands and can easily compare font sizes to see that you didn't actually make it bigger. Regardless of whether it now looks visually correct to them, they will think you deliberately disregarded what they wrote and send it right back to you with the same demands, that or they'll confront you directly and you'll have to feign innocence.
  3. Of course, if the person doesn't make any illogical demands, you can give back their draft.
  4. Also, be sure to double, triple, quadruple check their edit requests to make sure you got everything important (e.g. names, dates, phone numbers, etc.)

Step 7: You can't say no.
  1. Okay, sure. Go ahead. Say no to one of their ridiculous requests. Write down on a piece of paper exactly what you said no to and keep it in a highly visible location. A month from now, I want you to refer to your slip of paper and let me know exactly how well that "no" went for you.
  2. I have learned that people who make "helpful suggestions" tend to be the people who have the delicate feelings about their ideas and will crumble into a murderous tantrum if they don't get their way. It might be worse. They might be the plotting types that gather up a lynching party and visit your castle late and night in hopes of burning your creation to the ground.
  3. Instead of saying no, try the helpful diversion. "Oh, that's a great idea Sally! Yes, I too love dolphin tattoos on ankles and... writing that down right now so I don't forget--THERE!... Yes! I will definitely include your awesome idea in the mockups for the new cover design of Knitting Quarterly." Do not include her design, feign innocence if she remembers.


Step 8: They don't know what they want.
  1. They might even say this to you. "I don't know what I want, but I know I don't want that. I'll know what I want when I see it." They don't know what they want. Just keep doing what makes you happy and hope that you get paid overtime.


Step 9: Multiple designs are a waste of time.
  1. Creating multiple mockup designs for them to choose from is a complete and total waste of time. If you create multiple designs, only show the design you like best. If you like two really, really well, then show both.
  2. Do not show them designs that you do not like. This just gives them the opportunity to choose the one you hate and, worst of all, you'll have to work on that design for the next few months.

Step 10: Learn to manipulate.
  1. Everyone is already doing it all around you. If this is the only way to get something halfway decent in your portfolio, then by all means, start pulling those strings.
  2. I found that secretively pitting two rivals against one another worked best. Always stay on everyone's best side and learn to push the blame.
  3. You don't make decisions--someone always told you to do it that way.

Step 11: Freelance
  1. Amazingly you'll have more freedom as a freelancer but be sure to bill hourly.
  2. Flat-rate fees are for suckers. Be sure to charge them for every stupid change they make.
  3. Best of all, they aren't hovering over your shoulder as you make a change to the design.

Step 12: Find a new job.
  1. One where there is the least amount of soul-sucking going on.
  2. Take advantage of sick leave and "doctor appointments" to go to interviews.
  3. If worst comes to worst and there are no jobs out there, there are always mental health days.

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